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In this episode, I delve the complexities and challenges of parenting. Beginning with looking at what raising ‘successful kids’ might actually mean, I highlight the importance of intentional parenting and the difficult decision of releasing children into adulthood. I share thoughts on the the sacrificial aspect of parenting and the immense pressure parents can feel to be all things for their kids – which is not possible or fair on either party. The tangental chat finally concludes with a discussion on the ABCs of parenting, with the first being “always be modeling.”
YOUTUBE VERSION . /. PODCAST VERSION
Automatic Transcript
(Not 100% accurate. Please listen or watch for actual conversation)
Good morning and good morning to the his walking with me on this podcast. Hope you walk is good. I am running into people. They like I just put you on while I’m walking. It’s like it walking together. So good to have you along for this walk.
Thankfully it’s cooling down in my part of the world, it’s 7 a.m. and it’s like under 20 degrees. So that’s, that’s a huge bonus, look. I want to talk about parenting particularly
Being a dad. I can only speak from being a dad from this context, except but I do think this applies to being a mum as well. And, and I have written on this what I’m about to talk about quite a few years ago and I call it the ABC of parenting. Yeah, really, really original and compelling anyway. This blog article was picked up by The gottman Institute
And re-shared with them and The gottman Institute, a like, one of the world leading institutes on families and relationships, researching Research Institute, and training institutes. So I was very grateful. And then there’s another like, aggregator of social stuff called Upworthy Upworthy repost this article.
So, I say all that.
To give some credit to what I’m going to say except like it was just good marketing, you know is ABC’s, you know, here’s three things and here’s a small article and they were like re-sharing that stuff. What? Qualifies somebody as a good parent is is a big and Broad question or qualify somebody as a parent.
Is a big question. I’ve heard people say you can have a child but parenting a child is it is a different matter. And we know the world’s full of people who have contributed to the birth of a child male or female.
And that hasn’t been an active and engaged parents. So, I’m talking about this from
The aspect of a man who has been.
In his kid’s life, get a good morning.
And he’s been in his kid’s life, my daughter turns 19 this year. So I’ve got 19 years of this.
And before I go into this, I think it’s really important.
To point out a couple of things with parenting and these are these are not backed by research. These are just my opinions thoughts and findings. So if you give a crap you can listen on if you don’t. I’m just another
Cisgender middle-aged white guy talking about parenting, but I’m not standing here quoting that I have some Authority more than anyone else. Just sharing my experience and yours may be similar to
One of the things I’ve noticed.
Over the years, particularly as I was doing a lot of counseling.
And even when I was in my 30s, I ended up with a lot of clients that were older than me. Had, you know, adult children. I want to say adult children. I’m just going to say 18 plus that out of the home or they’re nearly out of home, but the finished high school
now, there are some arguments about when a child becomes an adult
From a spiritual perspective In some cultures. It’s 13 plus 12, plus 13. Plus from the girl has the period or the boy turns 13. We know Jewish cultures. You have Bar Mitzvahs for the boys but misses for the girls and there’s lots of Rites of passages in a lot of cultures, accept angular culture as it was, but there are some markers you do graduate school into the workforce.
You can get a license or you can drink alcohol, there are some markers here.
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meeting-summary
The meeting discussed the challenges and complexities of parenting, emphasizing the importance of intentional parenting and releasing children into adulthood. The speaker highlighted the sacrificial aspect of parenting and the pressure parents feel to have successful children. They also discussed the importance of modeling behavior for children and believing them when they express their emotions and concerns. The meeting ended with a discussion of the ABCs of parenting, with the first being “always be modeling.” The speaker encouraged parents to choose to be good enough and seek help if needed. Upcoming topics on the blessing, life model, and human design were also mentioned.
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Good morning and good morning to the his walking with me on this podcast. Hope you walk is good. I am running into people. They like I just put you on while I’m walking. It’s like it walking together. So good to have you along for this walk.
Thankfully it’s cooling down in my part of the world, it’s 7 a.m. and it’s like under 20 degrees. So that’s, that’s a huge bonus, look. I want to talk about parenting particularly
Being a dad. I can only speak from being a dad from this context, except but I do think this applies to being a mum as well. And, and I have written on this what I’m about to talk about quite a few years ago and I call it the ABC of parenting. Yeah, really, really original and compelling anyway. This blog article was picked up by The gottman Institute
And re-shared with them and The gottman Institute, a like, one of the world leading institutes on families and relationships, researching Research Institute, and training institutes. So I was very grateful. And then there’s another like, aggregator of social stuff called Upworthy Upworthy repost this article.
So, I say all that.
To give some credit to what I’m going to say except like it was just good marketing, you know is ABC’s, you know, here’s three things and here’s a small article and they were like re-sharing that stuff. What? Qualifies somebody as a good parent is is a big and Broad question or qualify somebody as a parent.
Is a big question. I’ve heard people say you can have a child but parenting a child is it is a different matter. And we know the world’s full of people who have contributed to the birth of a child male or female.
And that hasn’t been an active and engaged parents. So, I’m talking about this from
The aspect of a man who has been.
In his kid’s life, get a good morning.
And he’s been in his kid’s life, my daughter turns 19 this year. So I’ve got 19 years of this.
And before I go into this, I think it’s really important.
To point out a couple of things with parenting and these are these are not backed by research. These are just my opinions thoughts and findings. So if you give a crap you can listen on if you don’t. I’m just another
Cisgender middle-aged white guy talking about parenting, but I’m not standing here quoting that I have some Authority more than anyone else. Just sharing my experience and yours may be similar to
One of the things I’ve noticed.
Over the years, particularly as I was doing a lot of counseling.
And even when I was in my 30s, I ended up with a lot of clients that were older than me. Had, you know, adult children. I want to say adult children. I’m just going to say 18 plus that out of the home or they’re nearly out of home, but the finished high school
now, there are some arguments about when a child becomes an adult
From a spiritual perspective In some cultures. It’s 13 plus 12, plus 13. Plus from the girl has the period or the boy turns 13. We know Jewish cultures. You have Bar Mitzvahs for the boys but misses for the girls and there’s lots of Rites of passages in a lot of cultures, accept angular culture as it was, but there are some markers you do graduate school into the workforce.
You can get a license or you can drink alcohol, there are some markers here.
And kids are staying longer at home, then they used to as well. I was out by 18, 19, my wife was out by 18. A lot of people of Our Generation were out of home. A bit earlier. A kids are staying longer part of that second Dynamic, part of that social. Like it’s just really, really expensive with the cost of living being so high, particularly in my part of the world. Anyway.
Rent and food like it’s just expensive. Like so for my daughter, who owns, okay. Money to leave home. Be very difficult unless she ends up in a large Share House situation all that aside, I took risk, we have a tendency I’ve noticed people have a strong tendency to
How do I put this sensitively?
to judge themselves and others and their performance as a parent based on
The subjective success.
Of their adult children.
And as I’ve spent 19 years parenting, I really do, get it. I get why we do that like intentional.
Intentional parenting or parenting or being around whatever that is for you is bloody bloody hard work.
Like it is just hard work, it’s it’s just hard work, you know, and sacrifice is needed. You know, like last week, my son had a had a routine dentist visit he had tooth that was not coming down like a baby tooth.
An adult tooth that was not coming down.
Long story short, it works out. He has a baby tooth that has is growing sideways up in his gums and he needed to have it surgically removed. There’s 600 bucks later. I mean, you just don’t you have that times three, you know? And you think I’d like to possibly upgrade my pushbike. Well, that money’s gone. And what am I going to say? Nobody just going to have to live.
with this impact thing, the reality is, if I don’t do that now gets worse and more expensive later, but people that don’t have
children can miss this whole aspect of what it’s like. Like, I need a new pair of shoes, I don’t. But imagine I do, thankfully, I got something special few weeks ago, but you my sons are going through shoe sizes, every six months, the going through growth spurts you don’t. So I didn’t get new shoes. I think I wore my old pair of joggers for six years.
They’re embarrassingly.
Old and gross. But between them for 6 years, my both, my boys needed, probably 20 pairs of shoes between him, you know and my daughter needed shoes of well of course and look at my daughter’s, just my boys. Go through this growth spurts shoes are his, their shoes are expensive.
So, there’s this.
Aspect. Right? Of just parenting that is sacrificial.
And I don’t know, in my opinion there.
They only have this time in their life once I can put up with some old Runners, they need, no, no, no run. Old new run is no because they’re growing out of their mind are just sold.
My son needs the dental work.
So these are things parents. You get what this is like you I’m down. I’m just talking about that expense. Then there’s the emotional and relational taxing as the kids get older. If you listen to this with younger kids as they get older, the physical demand isn’t as
Hi on you you know you have to remember to pack the pram in the bag, in the club, a blind, the nappy bag and all that stuff. You can just like get in the car. Hopefully they got shoes on but then emotionally and relationally, it gets harder because you know, my fifth 14 year old Sons
Like nearly at my height and he works out and he’s, you know, he’s a big lad, he’s bigger than his mum.
and,
He’s?
He’s a force. He, he’s Moody, he, he can just, you know, really affect the mood in the house. He can be an absolute Angel, one moment and absolute dick. Another like, and we all can. But, you know, in teens. Now we actually have this other man in this house is growing young man in this house in the house. All these things.
Are, you know, affect you and affect the way and you have to parent differently at all these stages. So I know I have digressed but
Hey, maybe that’s what this is this things about is.
One of the things we tend to do again as parents and I’ve seen parents beat the shit out of themselves if the child has turned to a lifestyle that they don’t agree with and let me Define some of those. Maybe the child, maybe the expectations and this is a big thing, the expectations of the parent were too.
Have this child finish school? Get good grades. Go to university. Become a doctor engineer scientist. Something, you know, I’ve spent quite a lot of time in Asia. It’s been time in China.
if you look up my name on Amazon,
As an author, you’ll see my poetry book, The Chiller. So you another book in there, it’s in yellow one. So I’ll say evidence of spent some time in China and thought about this parenting and fathering quite a bit.
So, you know, this is
This is an expectation and then, the child doesn’t reach that and whose fault is that do you blame the child? Do you blame yourself? Well, a lot of parents take that personally because the child hasn’t reached their level of success.
Yet, you know.
Hey, good morning.
Okay.
so, there’s this huge
Sensitive.
Pressure. They can be put upon the kid to perform and live up to the parrot, standards or vice versa. The parent beats himself up. So you do this, right? Because as parents you gather, I don’t know if you know this but parents gather and they’re like, oh, what did? What are you kids up to? I’ll well, I have, you know, one son he’s doing really well in business and I have another one. They just bought their second house, and another one. He’s, you know, he’s in the ministry, I don’t know.
like,
That as the children become adults far out, like, it’s just a huge thing. And so, then you have kids that grow up and then has that old, say, well as children is it as teens or young adults, they might develop addictions.
that obvious addictions that unacceptable, it is just that a more destructive to the physical mental health, nature, to addictions, drugs, and alcohol, for example,
And it’s so hard as a parent, right. And I get this, because you’ve poured so many years in and it’s like, showing somebody your work. It’s like, when parents get together. They’re like, how’s your kid going? You know, who and what do you do?
You know, what do you do with that? What do you do? If like one child is Kane? And the other one is a table, you know, one’s the one goes and gathers, the fruit, he’s the soft vegan type and the other one is the, the mediating type. And one of them is pleasing to the other in religious circles, see it all the time, I have both,
My son’s a walking with the Lord. Now the all my kids are serving the lord, the amount of times I’ve heard that from the freaking Pulpit as a marker of success. So let’s say that, I think it’s important for every parent to realized that even subconsciously. A lot of them have a marker of success for their children. What does it look like for my kids to be successful? Now,
Um, I remember years ago, I read a book by dr. Larry crab and he talked about how parents it was a bit of a polarity and bit of a duality. But it was good. Good. Good. Just to think about he says Somethin, you know, some parents want their children to be happy and other parents want their kids to be good. Now, both of those are subjective. Both of those are seasonal.
You know there’s times where I’ve been very happy and that make my mom happy and then there’s times I’m like, no I’m fucking struggling. You know is the truth and that’s harder for them to take or House business house has money, has it income one, parent asks and then the other one is
Doesn’t care about that we’ve but they want to know you doing well financially successfully so they can tell their mates about you and there’s nothing wrong with that. I think it’s really good and healthy for us to have a sense of
Pride about our kids and what they do and do care about their success. I think all that actually counts but it’s such a fine line to how we as parents start to attach our own sense of worth.
but we’ve poured in and out of those kids as like this marker of success, and
And here’s here’s here’s here’s some good news and some bad news depending on how you take it.
Through literature ancient literature, whether you’re looking at the scriptures, right? Looking at Genesis just read the first few chapters and see what happens between Cain and Abel.
And then continue reading.
And look at all the relationships between.
Brothers.
Look at Jacob and Esau.
Look at Ephraim and Manasseh.
Right.
Look at relationships with sisters with Ruth.
Etc. You have so many examples in all ancient literature, even when you look at ancient literature mythology around Greek mythology, doesn’t matter what culture it is. There is often a story about a good and evil brother. Look right now in the news Prince Harry and Prince. William, there is always this tension and if you listen to this
One of the last episodes around my medic desire, it can fall into that because it can only be one king. There can only be one heir to the throne, but here we have had the same parents, same home, same environment.
but we can’t say that both the kids were parented the same because
The way you relate to your children, is different depending on the child, a situation on. So many factors. In fact, some researchers suggested that even identical twins. Born just minutes apart in the same family and parents who really? Believe there was a great sense of equity of raising their twins.
The experience that that child had growing up and then the reverse experience at the parent had raising that child is so vast that some researchers suggest they might as well have been born in a different home. So what am I trying to say here?
Regardless of how.
You feel that you’ve been fair and done the right thing. As a parent, parenting your child.
The decisions the child makes as they grow up.
The personality type that they are the traits that they inherit. And I want to talk one day about some of my thoughts around traits and personality is based on some things I discovered last year but I need some more time to do that. Yeah, that’s for another day but depending on a lot a lot a lot, a lot of factors probably
I don’t know, I don’t have a quantity but you know, there’s probably a hundred good factors at least the determine what this child will be because every child is independent
but again, he’s this fine line, because you and I know of kids who have had parents who have been absent, for whatever reason, death divorce, whatever the case is,
Have grown up in single-parent homes.
And those kids have turned out in our eyes as far as, you know, kind good contributors to society. They’ve been fantastic.
Then you’ve seen kids from single-parent homes that have grown up and being the opposite been destructive. And not contributing, but the same can be said, as children from two-parent homes or mix parent homes,
And so we want to start doing these masks and yeah, there’s probability and possibility that all come into this, there’s the chance of a child grow, a single home has a higher chance of X y&z particular a child who’s fatherless X y&z all these things increase. We know that. Statistically that’s how that works. Wanting to run me over thanks.
Sanic, a 70 and a half.
Crowded residential Zone rock and roll.
Yeah, so there’s this
yeah, there’s probability, but it doesn’t mean that it is going to be that way again, I know I’m rambling, but
I’m trying to give myself this little bit of leeway, both net Nye and she’s actually that’s a little better than this in some respects as me. But you do your best as a parent.
Right? You really do your best that you know how to in your god-given gifts, talents abilities time, circumstance situations Etc. You make intentional decisions around how you make that investment and take all those things.
as they aren’t, and then
You release children into the world right now that’s easier. Said, than done every circumstance is different. Every season is different.
but as a parent, you do have some decisions that you will make that will make a difference children that are neglected you traumatized through neglect, or abuse Omission or Commission of
Trauma against them from a parent chance of that child. Developing some
ways of coping.
You know, higher.
if both parents are working all the time,
and,
Child’s are all left to their own children, left to their own devices and neglected the chance of particular things. Happening is higher if a parent is hovering and controlling
and smothering, the chance of particular things happening in higher. So
I think it’s important for us to all remember and again, I know I’m rambling here, but maybe there’s some things to your value.
But a while ago, for me I gave up this notion of being the perfect dad.
And I got to tell you, for some time I freaking I had the pressure was on me, you know, I was actually touring a lot of churches, speaking on the power of blessing and intentional blessing.
And it all, you know, just undid a lot in me because I had to look at my own relationship with my own dad. I had to look at my relationship and how it related to my three children. My daughter
two boys.
I had to look at.
what I was trying to make up for
I’ll talk about something in another podcast, maybe but let’s get to the ABCs you can sort of finish on that. There’s a bit of a longer podcast and I’ve rambled. And, yeah, look guys, I
I suggest you explore the thought about what it means to be good enough parent and take all things into consideration about what’s good enough and you try your best and you do what, you know how and you make efforts to grow and to learn and to do things and then allow other men and women to come into your kid’s life. Stu and fill gaps that you can’t because
Yeah, let me just jump into this to. There is no chance that me as a dad. I’m going to be able to fill every desire and every parenting need that my child has because
Like we are tribal creatures at heart and I have one son who likes fishing and one who hates that, I have one who likes board games and one who hates him. I have one son that really confesses he wants to go camping and then when it really wants to go camping,
I have one child that loves big meat, steaks and another child who prefers chicken. You know, I have one child that is quite sporty and athletic and another one who’s
You know, not so much. He likes computers, using stem, programs, science, technology, engineering maths at school and so there’s no homogenized way to rise. Raise them and there’s no possible way I can take every freaking box in on their things. So, this is where uncle’s Arnie’s youth pastors.
Friends and relatives come. So my mate comes over, he’s just bought a four-wheel drive is, let’s go camping. I’m like, I’m Keen, you know,
Another my son’s going away with her friends family for driving. Well, I don’t have full drive kind of can’t afford one. Never have wanted to go out and take a vehicle on the bush or on the beach. That’s just not me. There’s things that I can do and will do and want to do.
But it would be near impossible actually impossible for me to fulfill every parenting and fathering desire that my child had. But there’s men out there that can
And so yeah, I’m going to disappoint my kids and it’s important for us as dad’s to and mums to look at our equal parents and, you know, mums and their moms dads in their dads to go. Yeah, I didn’t get that from my dad.
But these are things that I did get, and there’s things I wanted for my dad. I could there were, there were other men in my life. They could do it, but just because my dad wasn’t these things, and I was a bit traumatized from those things or that affected me, I should just let me just put like that. It is a kind of trauma but he’s really affected me that lack and that fear of my kids suffering like I did is not a, not a is not good fuel, because it’s based on.
Fear is based on fear that my kids will won’t have a dad that’s present, won’t have a dad that’s engaging, won’t have that gets down to the level and plays with them at their level and their time, you know because this thing’s I’m not going to be able to give my boys that my dad gave me.
And so part of be, I think, really growing as a parent is releasing your own parents from the unmet expectations in the trauma of that, that you suffered as well.
And that’s some of the most valuable work that I think I’ve ever done. I think it’s one of the biggest gifts that I’ve given. My kids is the inner work that I’ve done and I haven’t finished, still comes up. And at the end of that, still, my kids could take Parts in life that I might deem is not being markers of success with good choices. But this is what it means to release child into adulthood
You know, I’m not retaining them or trying to repeat myself in them or asking for some return.
I’ve talked about this before. But in the true sense of being Apostolic, I think parenting is kind of apostolic and a model for parenting that we see that is often.
Healthy. But missing is that we invest to release our children. We invest in people to release them, not for a return and not to retain them.
Right, mum’s, cut those Apron Strings. Let your children go that don’t have to be your friends.
Your daughter doesn’t have to be the best friend. She could be a good friend, but she doesn’t have to be, just have to be and stay in your life.
And if you playing guilt trip games, I did this for you that I did that for you. Take a look at your motives examine. What you the way that you’re operating, see what’s creating because you’ve just created a transactional relationship and not a covenant to one. Not one out of free choice and love and it’s never really going to be a true relationship because it’s based on
Something I know that I’ve to I’m careful of his doing things that are see. Look, it’s my job as a parent to pay for my child’s tooth to come out. How dare I hold that against him? It’s my job actually is apparent. When I signed up to be a parent when I got married had kids had sex, my wife gave birth to those kids. I became apparent that day and there’s things that I had to give up doing and I instantly had
Huge job role and responsibilities by way of Nature and virtue. Invocation, and chance. I gave up the right to call back on my kids things that I did for them. That is my job to do for them.
See, I feed and clothe and care for my kids, and that should be my gift privilege, and duty to them. Not some fucking favor that I’ve given them all. I paid for this. I gave you that I did that. So you owe me this. I raised you for 25 years, 18 years at home. I paid for University and this is what I get back. No, you healthy parenting, invest to release you invest because the right thing to do because you love them.
Right. Not because you hope that they get something back. You see this, you see this destructive pattern I’ve seen this because I’ve traveled to China. I’ve talked to people in those cultures, something cool, filial piety with a child, grows up feeling deeply responsible, to be successful, so that they can then carry their own family and not bear. Shame on that family’s name by being a quote-unquote failure. Well, the world can only have so many doctors and nurses and Engineers. It really can’t
always a limit on that, and I don’t think it’s a child’s role particularly
I think it’s a child’s role to carry a parents in it as an adult, then it is the privilege.
It’s the privilege.
Of a, an adult child to care or make sure that their aging parents are looked after. Now I know this is a cultural issue.
And it’s another discussion but just look at the emotion in the contract behind that. That’s all I’m saying.
All right, very quickly because we’ve been going for 31 minutes. I thought it was longer, this might be a bit longer.
The half-hour intro.
A ABC, A is for always be modeling.
A is for always been modeling, and this is a good and scary thing.
but as a parent, you realize
that whatever you’re doing, you’re always modeling.
Right. I’m in season now where I am working seven days a week. 50 60 plus hours a week. I went for a long time. Struggling to find work. A lot has come towards me. I’ve got Financial Obligations to move forward. I need to restock the coffers. There are things that I just need as my families.
You know, needs go up some Natalie and I at the moment and the time of listening, this working five jobs, seven days a week between us both this. The economy in Australia is
Not easy. We our rent and food, bill alone would probably be a thousand dollars a week that’s after-tax, of course, you know. So,
Where we live on the coast. There’s not not a whole stack of work that work. I’ve got remote and local. So, yeah. You know, in this season, what I’m modeling to my children,
They may get to older years and they’re like, Dad, you were always working. And I actually now wasn’t I was present for you and at home for a good part of your childhood. A good part of your childhood and then I worked from home for a long time. So I was home. Don’t you remember? When you got home I was there. The house was reasonably tidy. You could in many cases ask me a question. I wasn’t totally available but I was there.
You know, it’s funny how we have these selected memories, but I realize morning, realize that I’m always modeling as a parent. You always modeling this can be good bad or scary thing.
What is it that you’ve modeling emotional? Relational.
My boys watch how I treat their mother.
Right. And what sinks in is important, they see how I treat my friends, they had see how they treat their siblings. They see how I treat colleagues. I see how I treat my parents, they see all these things so whether you like it or not, the first ABC of parenting is your always modeling.
and so be very aware of that because you and I as adults listen to this can probably would probably raise our hands if you’re in an audience and I said how many of you
I’ve done things in adulthood that you like men. That’s what my dad used to do. That’s what my mom used to do. Even if you hated it, you ended up doing it. We are my magic or mirroring copy and creatures. It’s how we survive. It’s how we learn so much that we low. We just watch observe and do it. Copy other people.
B is.
What’s bi?
Just had a brain fart, always been modeling.
I am going to just look it up, just had a brain fart. So please stand by
I’m just going to look at ABC, parenting, tensing, see if it comes up.
I’ll be didn’t have to look at believe. Believe your children actually.
One thing that is I learned years ago when I was working in a larger house and learning their stuff.
It was a story.
Of that. Somebody told of a little girl, she’s three or four. She’s laying in bed. And she can hear mom, and dad, arguing in the kitchen,
She’s not quite asleep yet and so things are getting very heated in the kitchen.
And she walks out and stands at the doorway and the parents look over.
And the girl says, what’s wrong. You know, she just that she’s worried in the parents say
Dogfight up here, you can hear that. I’m gonna
The girl standing there in the parents say to her. After they’ve been fighting this in. Oh no. Honey. It’s okay. Everything’s fine. Go back to sleep. Well this happens like two three times a week.
Four months and the little girl.
Comes to belief.
That.
She is not Discerning, she doesn’t know what a real fight. Is she? She thinks that she comes to belief that parents who fight
Like that and maybe Dad’s or mom’s getting through violent physically. They come to belief
That.
she comes to believe that she
can’t actually discern.
And tell what’s true or not about how parents treat each other?
That’s, that’s one aspect that other expected. And so, it’s important for us, of course to, you know, I say that to say, it’s important for us to
Be honest with our children so that their trust, their own sense of discernment so that they trust their own intuition right to actually speak. Truth in just the honey, your dad and I are having an argument but
The things we need to talk about is important.
We are getting a little more Angry than we want to. We are very sorry, we’ll try and be more quiet and you’re right about being worried about us and we’re sorry instead of telling the child. No, no, everything’s okay. Go back to sleep because it’s actually not okay.
So this is the mirror aspect of this, is this believing your children when they say, I’m scared, or I’m afraid. Now, quite often as parents because we don’t have the time or capacity to emotionally regulated or tune with our childhood like, no, no. Don’t you that? So, tell my son, really afraid about this? Well, no, don’t be like that.
You know, you’re not you’re not afraid, you’re this. I’m really hungry. No, honey, you’re not hungry. You that
Dad. I’m really worried about this something. No, no, you’re not.
It’s really important for us to believe our children when they open up to us and express something particularly in the small because, you know, realities for a different for a small child. It’s important for us to meet a tuna. Believe our child’s children where they are to build that sense of trust for themselves. And actually just say, okay, I understand that’s what you believe.
But then actually begin to Coach Guy to tune with them and just be present for them in that moment and talk on from that. So that believe is is this is both sides of that coin. See is call out the gold and I really do think that in the West.
We really do like a culture of blessing when I see to talk about the power of blessing and power of parents blessing. He’s to ask crowds of Christians. How many of you say grace before you?
Before a meal. If you’re eating together, most hands would go up even if they’re lying dead want to say. So, how many of you bless your children? You just confess you bless your food on a regular basis. How many of you intentionally breast, less your kits and very few hands would go up at all. If I ask that in the Hebrew Jewish home, every hand would go up because
well it’s a lot of birds. Yeah, beautiful looking at Bruce ehlers.
Here, if you can hear them, I can holy crap. So, it’s really important for us to understand. I think in the west that most of us grew up, without being intentionally blessed, without actually being actually prayed over blessed. And that the, with the blessing does is it calls out the gold in US.
One of the words for blessing in Greek, in the Greek language in the Bible is the word eulogy, which is where we get the word eulogy from.
and so I think that’s just a great example, like there’s a lot of things we can nitpick that our kids aren’t doing but
But what if you were giving your kids their eulogy on a regular basis? It’s like, so if you go to a funeral parlor at your funeral funeral for somebody, I’ve seen a kid get up. I’ve seen children get up, adults, children of parents who have passed away. And everybody there knows that Frank who just died was absolute bastard. Asshole every ad. He was just a hopeless.
Pain-filled, angry traumatized man and so the kids get up and they say such nice things about him, you wonder if the guy in the casket is the same guy. Like have I gone into the wrong funeral. Is this Frank who’s Frank? Frank was it absolute fill in the blank and you’re like talking about, you know, I used to go and
see Dad when he was working in the cars in the garage and I used to remember, he’d pop me up on the bench and
He’d crack open a beer and he give me a coke from the fridge and then I just watch him work on there before. Mum wondered where I was, you know,
They’d call out a the call out the gold in this person’s life in the few things they did. Well well this is what the blessing is and I think and I have found particularly my kids were really young
I used to pray blessing over them and call out the gold. Call out the good things that they did speaking to their Destiny. Speaking to these things and really call out the golden just creating a culture of blessing at home and calling out the gold who makes just a huge difference.
you know, that you see things in them that are
Really true and good, and amazing, and natural, and develop strengths, and gifts and abilities that they have, and speaking to their character and want for the best for them. And actually be in tension about that. Like, actually get these desires and things out of your mouth and onto the child is in a Jewish Home. This happen to every Friday and a parent would speak blessing over them to Lord bless you and keep you the Lord. Make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you, lift up his countenance, upon you and give you peace.
Speak to every child. It often speak about their name. You read this in Genesis 49. How?
Jacob does these for his sons sons of Israel.
And that’s part of the culture. And so I joke used to joke and say, well a lot of us in the west might dream to, you know, work in a bank when we grow up, but a lot of these kids grow up in there. Like I can own a bank or we motor. I want to be moved stonework in Hollywood. They’re like I want to run Hollywood and they do these people do that. I think there’s something inherently
Very, very special and Powerful about calling out the gold regularly. Whether that’s by ritual, or it’s by habit, it’s such an important thing to be able to do for our kids.
That’s just maybe for another subject. Another talk for another podcast but it’s been a bit of a ramble but I wanted to just talk about parenting a bit in summary, as a parent. Just choose to be good enough and if you have, if you look at the past and you’re like, man, I should have been around more. I should have done this more.
Well, go see a counselor start to work in journey through that. Understand that your shirt, you may not ever if your relationship with your children is
stressed.
And estranged, they are under no obligation to reach out to you and vice versa in a way. Really like if you deal with your stuff do it for yourself and not with the secret, hope that now my son or daughter will do this for me and now their life will be different like
Again, we invest to release.
and I don’t think it’s fair on us as parents to genuinely
live with this deep sense of remorse forever.
That we could have done things differently because we all could have done things differently.
Good to own, we’ve done.
And you know, get some help for that.
Examine.
Examine what life was like?
For your parents at the age of the kids are, like, I’m looking at. I’m looking back at what my dad was doing.
When I’m now my son’s age, my eldest, when I was 15 hours he worked was like what? I’m having to work at the moment, it’s because the economy back then was in the shits.
And you had to work.
A lot of hours and it’s just the way that it was for them. Like it was just
this that these are the cards that life had handed them and that’s them, you know,
and he just worked a lot and I’m finding I’m the same. I’m not going to be hard on myself right now because I’ve had a choice. Yeah, I do and more money every hour and I’d work lessen, the weekends, I’d be around but the same time, it is what it is, you know, so there’s a level of acceptance that
Needs to.
Be part of your healing process.
Part of forgiving yourself.
For those of us who are raising kids are going to raise kids, make that ABC’s, help, maybe what I’ve shared help. I’m going to share some stuff on the blessing. I’m going to share some stuff incoming podcast, just a really elaborate on the blessing. Going to elaborate on something. I found really really helpful as a parent something called the life model then I’m going to talk about human design.
That’s the whoo thing that I still study yet going to talk about a number of things that have helped me personally and as a parent for the last 20 years as well and yeah, just put it out there. See if it helps. All right, I’m home. Love and blessings by