It’s a question we seldom voice but is being answered anyway. A multitude of images, voices, nuances, remind us daily, without fail, that we are ‘not [_____] enough.
[insert: fit, smart, wealthy, liked, connected, fashionable, loved, respected, successful.]
This friends, is the voice of the shame. Author Curt Thompson calls the little voice in our head reminding us of our short-comings our Shame Assistant. I like to call that implicit voice my Shame Butler. Yep, my Shame Butler is right there when I wake in the morning to remind me that I’m tired and shouldn’t have stayed up talking till 11 PM. He’s faithfully there to tell me my T-shirt looks old and that I really should be reading my bible before I read my emails. As I look in the mirror on the way to the shower my Shame Butler reminds me I should work out. And he’s faithfully there to remind me that my 18 year old car is old, embarrassing, and makes me look poor as I drop the kids off at school, ‘You should get a new car’, he often reminds me. And this is all before 8am! All day he picks away at my humanity; that which my Creator calls ‘very good’. Ever notice how full of should our Shame Butlers are?
But, I’m slowly learning to discern the voice of my Shame Butler and his covert operation is being exposed. I have discovered some ways to shut the pesky little shouldhead up. Now, I can report that I tried declaring Scripture at him and telling him what I think I know about myself but he’s so irrational. I have tried crafting a public persona that looks more acceptable to my peers and even leveraged social media in this campaign but that seemed to make things worse. You see, shame operates in the realm of feelings and emotions so don’t bother arguing facts and trying to convince your Shame Butler with performance-based Likes and applause. I should also mention that he’s also impossible to ignore, so ignorance doesn’t really work either. You’re welcome.
So here’s the strategy; I’ve been blowing his cover and instead of hiding, I’ve embraced more and more of my weaknesses, limitations and losses, and brought them into the light off my Creator and a community of others who are committed to loving me. My Shame Butler’s ‘not enoughs’ are being overruled and silenced by vulnerability and being lovingly known by those who I have a covenant connection and safe relationship with. I have also found that if I limit exposure to people, messages and events that reinforce my Shame Butlers script, he’s less likely to speak with the authority of allies.
Friends, I don’t know if our Shame Butlers will never leave us, but I do know we can send them on extended breaks and gradually challenge and silence their ‘not enoughs’ with the Good News message of ‘Loved and accepted as I am.’ Slowly but surely, if we allow ourselves to be known, the True Narrator of our story will scorn shame and we’ll be able to hear the glorious songs of grace and redemption He’s singing over us. [Heb 12:1,2]
Loved this, how do you walk this out with God and others (as per your article)?
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
What’s wrong with me?
I try
What’s wrong with me?
I cry
Everything I do is wrong
Dear God
I can’t do enough
Can’t be enough
From the top of my head
To the tip of my toes
There’s all of me that knows
I’m never good enough
Toughen up Kid
Put a lid on it
Stop that crying now
You just don’t have what it takes
Never make it
Even if you fake it
Can’t even fake it
Just no good
No damn good
For anything
A good-for-nothing
And you’re-to-blame
Just-is-who-you-are
Shame shouting
Dishing it up
A presentation setup
You’re the best
The best ‘no-good’ there is
No-good-for-anything
And that stings
Brings tears to my eyes
Shame trickles down
Blaming me
Shaming me
Staining me
Stinging again-and-again
Shame
Blame
That’s the game
I’m all wrong
That’s Shame’s song
All along
And the tears roll down
Is this mess really me?
And I wish
I really wish
I really, really wish
That somehow
I could dish this crap
That’s been dished up to me
I breathe
I wish
I double-wish
I hope
I double-dare
Must be someone who cares
Wipe away the tears
Sight sort of clears
I hear
I hear something
I feel something that’s real
More real than I could hope
Hope spoke
Wanna know a thing-or-two?
I love you
And I know
And you know
You are not good at everything
Right?
But…
I have made you good at some things
So many things
To shine
To be bright with my light
Shame has shouted his foul lies
Presenting those foul lies
Till you took them on
Believing them as true
As belonging to you
But here is my song
My plans for you are good
Good and strong
You may have done wrong
You have done wrong
But you-are-not-wrong
You are not a wrong
Repeat after me
I–am –not–a–wrong
Agree with me
Align with me
Because
Dear child
You are mine
Made for me
By me
To be you
Fearfully made
Wonderfully made
Made to be you
To glorify me
I love you
You are mine!
Joan Westaway© September 2019
Love it! Thanks you, Joan. Sharp, as usual.